Living with regrets and sadness

How do you get over the feeling of regret when important times come such as Birthday's, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New years and so many other times. The hurt and sadness slowly eat at your heart and you begin to die with each time a personal time or event comes along. You don't want to be miserable however those time and following events come once a year. I have ruined my life and regret many things. Trying to be positive is really hard for me at those times once a year comes around. People say when you lose parts of your life that means the world to you it takes a toll on your life. You feel depressed maybe suicidal or who knows what. I just feel numb and try to get past them times. It takes a while for me and it has been said, that even after the events I still talk about how I wish I could change the past. Bring some part of my regrets come to rest by forgiving those who hurt me. Those who hurt me hold a grudge for a lifetime. I have tried to mend them bad times with all types of bribes, willingness to change. I live one day at a time now. My mind still seems to race those special events even those that never happen. I punish myself thinking people will forgive me and speak to me. Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful, I only have six things that I can name at this time to be thankful for. The following is what I am thankful for... A.) God ( The Only one who truly forgives me without regrets.) One whom forgives our sins. B.) My fiance whom someday marry. Looking at March sometime (possibly) C.) My place I rent. ( The roof over my head.) D.) My life on earth. (The air I breathe and the Praises and Thanks that God made man.) E.) My vehicle (Without it I would be walking all the time. Having it to go places without asking for rides.) F.) My talents I have. If your someone who can be thankful for family, friends, good events I am glad. I feel like a misfit that people seem to ignore and want nothing to do with me. ( Yes I am negative now.) If the truth is told and people don't want to hear it well when was the last time were you negative. We all have negativity and don't say you don't because that's a lie. Some of my regrets now, if you can relate then maybe you can leave me a positive message to help me. You all read my blogs however no one replies with a message. This is what I am talking about when I say people just view it, no replies. How many of you feel left out or been ignored due to your everyday life style or appearance and anything else you judge a person by. I like ALL people I feel if you are the way you are you're just a person not to be judged. We all can be less judged by people. The ONLY true JUDGE should be GOD. He should be the ONLY ONE. My Regrets... 1.)Leaving and divorcing my whole family. Reason why... (My ex friend who was a chronic alcoholic and gave up on himself.) I took care of for 13 years, dedicated faithfully, loyally. I was losing precious time with reality. I had gone to lengths of finding help from social services. Nothing. His family lived in the Country of Norway. He had a green card. We were never married. Just really good friends. My family liked him for what reason I will never know. They despised his drinking, smoking. Other than that he was a great guy. I had planned to leave him but did it all wrong. I should have taken him to the hospital where they could have hopefully helped him. Inside I left him to die alone. I did call his ex bosses daughters to look after him. That was a JOKE. I was in AR. and went back many times to take care of him. He begged me to stay. I knew he would never change. He called my family and told them I left him to die alone. I will never know the last thing he told anyone before he died. My family won't even indulge me to know. I was called an unforgivable person for leaving an elderly man die alone. This is One of my Biggest REGRETS today. Leaving Wisconsin and moving to AR. was one of the hardest but easiest things to do. I took a bus then a train back and forth numerous times to tend for him. Why I didn't stay, I was enjoying the better life somewhere else. A place I could be without family haunting me. That wasn't the case. So I come to the fact that I am running away from myself. From what I will never know.I knew after the death if I stayed in Wisconsin my family wouldn't have helped me with support or a place to live. I would have been a basket case and the death was unbearable for many months. I still remember when the call of the medical examiner. " You standing or sitting?" I was unsure what she said when she said medical examiners office. I told her just tell me what this was about with a stern voice. The death of so and so has happened. I screamed and fell to the floor on my knees in tears. I couldn't believe it, however I knew it was bound to happen one day but never thought it happen this soon. 2.)Leaving Wisconsin and moving to AR has had its ups and downs but for the most part better for the change. This is where I found my fiance. One whom really truly knows me and understands me 100%. It's like this was my calling to move to AR to find my husband for the LAST and final time. This will be the third time and my last time. It either works or it don't that's it. Writing a letter to my family divorcing them due to not understanding me and supporting me in a horrific time of his death. For all their abuse they done to me all these years. Well enough of the regrets. Hoping by moving to AR will bring me a few wishes and reasons to stay in Ar. 1.) Marry my husband 2.) Getting my bakery/ cafe shop open soon 3.) Getting more family and friends 4.) Getting my GLORY and FAME from my bakery/ cafe shop. Getting the my name out there and my business. Having people travel far and near just to come see my shop. This would be my spotlight in being FAMOUS. Just like a celeb wants fortune and fame well my bakery/cafe shop my fame and fortune. Hope you all will enjoy the Holidays come soon. Love one another and forgive those who hurt you. Remember one thing... ONLY GOD can JUDGE!

Trump the King of Presidents

Trump should have been here years ago. However it's good that he is here now. With the last few Presidents messing the country up, Trump has a lot to repairing to do. He is a wise and powerful man that if you feel he was the wrong candidate for President then go to a different country. We need less violence, harder punishments for convicts and repeat offenders. Having a King of all Kings for Presidents will be the new USA of peace and harmony. Mark my words, President Trump will rule the country and we will bow to our NEW King of the USA. He has been watching the country all these years and he too is sick of the country going to hell in a hand basket. Vets will finally get their gratitude for their service. Vets will get the respect we need to give them. The vets don't get enough thank you's and appreciated them for their lives and their lives they lost for you. Lot of vets came back home hurt and have needs and we all need to be more supportive to the men and women vets who gave their lives for us. One thing I hope Trump can do not just for me but ALL the people with no or little health insurance is to give a Quality affordable low premium health insurance that everyone can afford. I see too many elderly people and others with hardships and they suffer and don't get their health needs met. Why, because Barack has hurt the country with a useless high rate of health insurance you can't get the immediate help needed because the deductible is so outrageous that one has to be a millionaire in order to afford the insurance. Another thing I hope Trump can work on is the care of people in nursing homes who can't afford quality care and get the low end of the deal. I have seen how the low class unable to afford QUALITY care at nursing homes get treated. It makes me sick. We all deserve the BEST quality care when we are unable or have no one to help us. Nursing homes need to find nurses that RESPECT ALL elderly with no or little health insurance.

The wedding that ended badly

Kendra and Kurtis were school sweethearts. They were best friends from age 8. Kendra was 8 and Kurtis was 7 1/2 when they met. Kendra and Kurtis met at Kendra's birthday party. Kendra was a cheerleader and Kurtis was a quarterback at school. They helped each other on school work and loved going to all the school functions. They were inseparable and devoted their lives to be together as one. They both graduated with honors. They both went to Harvard and got their bachelors degree in their fields and others also. When they were of age to drive they both took driving seriously and never used their cell phone or did anything to cause them to crash. They were very good drivers and it showed on their driving record. They were a couple who just got married. So in love and on there way to their honeymoon. The one they planned and talked about constantly. When they sent out the invitations they had to have different times for their wedding celebration. They were intrigued with the outcome of their invites. Because so many invites the community came together and had a pot luck wedding. Each couple had to bring something different. Kendra was in charge of that. The couples would tell what they would bring. There was two of everything. Two different potato salad made by two different people. They had so many guests that celebrated their new lives together as one. The Mayor of the town had given Kendra and Kurtis the different places they needed to have all of their guests come. They both had so many plans for the future. He was a lawyer that loved his job. He helped many clients and he was well respected with the community. She was a teacher and her student body and teachers were inspired with her work ethics. She devoted her time at school to help her student body that needed extra help. She even took time to work with them on Saturday and Sunday. They lived in a four bedroom 3 bathroom home. It looked like a castle. They built it with a few extra people. For the most part they drew up the blueprint of the house they wanted. They owned 5 lots of land. Two on each side of them. Why you maybe asking yourselves. They had wanted to plant fruit trees, a garden. They had the 5 acres with a privacy fence. Neighbors and others in the community helped them because they dedicated their weekends to help the student body of all three schools in that community. It only costed them the materials from ground up as well as all the inside materials. Kendra and Kurtis provided food and drinks for all the help given to them. This was a wish come true that surprised them. Part II Come back and see the Wedding that ended badly!

The Old Broadway Bridge

The 93 year old bridge This bridge was well traveled on, so motorists could commute to everyday living. She was built with the best materials and the men who made it possible for us. She had ambition to serve the motorists that would be driving across her. She stood like a great monument that was used everyday, hoping the materials she was built with wouldn't decay. If she could have talked, she would have told the motorists that if they can't drive safely then get of off her bridge. However, she watched each driver go across and made sure they made their journey. She didn't weaken or falter, for she was built mighty and true. She weathered all types of conditions and even in the worst of them, she stood there with great strength to provide her motorists the glory to drive over her. She stood proud and true for all of you. As the years passed she was getting old, let it be told. She had done her job for her motorist's commute to their journey each day. She knew there was going to be a time when she must go, and she must be replaced. It was soon going to be her last time being driven over. That day came and the people stood and watched her be destroyed. Being as well built as she was, she wasn't going down without a fight. For no one knew what she was going to do. They put dynamite on her to make her come down; she stood fast with a frown knowing they were one way or another going to take her down. As TV and media watched, the 93 year old bridge came tumbling down. What a surprise to them all that after the black smoke lifted there she stood proud and true. They had a timeline that must be met. They had to do it right for their timeline was getting tight. They put cables over her and with a strong pull she came down with her frown upside down. She knew she was beaten but she still won the feat after all the years she had given. People clapped and roared as she came down. As for the motorists now have her not here, drivers must have skills not to mess up and get into more accidents as they commute. For their drive was easy and now it's not as easy-peasy. Long lived the strong and true bridge we once knew. This is what I do for a living, that's write about things the way I see it. Your comments on this is Required!!

Why I am a runner

I am a runner from myself. I have been running from myself many years. If you ask why, the only reason that I can think of is the past haunting me. Living in fear of abuse, failure, have no one to be friends with, the bullying I endure everyday. My past relationships with men, acquaintances, family. Running don't stop these fears I understand that. Dealing with them head on is unbearable. I ran from being a child at age 8 or 9 years old to an adult in a short time. I had to grow up fast and take the adult life by the horns and fight it when it charged me. I felt like a clown running from the bull in the rink. I ran to the following states to find myself. However the past haunt me there too. 1.) Arkansas 2.) Arizona 3.) Colorado 4.) Montana 5.) Michigan 6.) Minnesota 7.) North Dakota 8.) Nevada 9.) South Dakota 10.) Utah 11.) Wisconsin 12.) Wyoming Yeah trying to live in these states was just a challenge for me. The longest so far was Wisconsin. Home state of the Green Bay Packers. One of the coldest winters around. I love to do the polar bear dive. Finally ran from there to Arkansas. It's hot but loving it. People ask me how I picked these states to live in. Well Wisconsin home state where I was raised. Everyone except Arkansas I was either driving around the country or just with truckers. Now as far as my newest move to Arkansas is quite interesting to some. Arkansas starts with A so that is where I start. I took a map of Arkansas and put it on the dart board. Threw a dart and it landed between Conway and Little Rock. Ok now how to decide which one. I had written both down showed both names to my cat. Threw them on the floor and what ever one she put in her mouth first was it. I took it from her and it was Conway. I had done one last thing to make sure it was it. Heads Conway tails LR. Flipped up a quarter landed on ground walked over and heads was up. So that was where I was going.

The facts about the unseen and unknown

     I have been dealing with this issue for 40 years. My upbringing was, there wasn't enough quality time for me to get the help I needed to understand my homework. Because of my learning disabilities, to keep up with the higher groups of people with college or bachelor's degrees. I was told that I wouldn't amount to anything. For many years I believed this. My life was shattered from day one when I heard this. Being told this has a huge impact on the way the brain works. Try to tell my brain I am smarter than it is. With the ingrained hurt that was etched in the brain, the brain wins. I try to fool my brain to think its just a depression I have, that I am smarter than what I was told. You're told your brain is the size of a pea when you know it's the size of your fists put together. When I try to fit into groups that interest me. My lack of knowledge of that certain subject has to think quicker and absorbed as much as it can. I get overwhelmed with so much facts about a subject I can't keep up with the facts in the way others can. This is where I get pushed out of a group. I then get ignored for my lack of understanding and asking too many questions. It was said, "You can NEVER ask too many questions". If questions not asked and not enough knowledge to get the facts how am I to understand the subject? My learning is self-taught. I am a hands on learning talent. It may take me two to four weeks to understand fully, however I do get the facts and knowledge to be able to give my opinions.      I graduated in 2000. The year I should have graduated was 1987. Big difference comparison. Why did I wait so long to get a diploma? The trauma of being told by many people, being family, teachers, other kids didn't help my wanting to get that diploma. I have tried multiple times to go back to school various years, however the kids in the class would make fun of me. Teachers wouldn't take the time to help me when the ones who had better chances of having a successful outcome. I was pushed into that category of the unseen and unknown once again. As hard as I tried to ask other kids for help, they too had no time for a person with a learning disability. Kids back in the day were cruel and like today it hasn't changed any. I call these the bullies of the world. Teasing and picking on the ones who want to be successful but need a little more help than others. I have tried to get into a college and I couldn't pass the SAT. Again I got pushed out of a group of high educated adults where I was left behind. I felt like I was in a horse race and I was given the mule/ass wasn't going to win that race. After everybody had gone home I was still trying to get that mule/ass to get to the finish line. Once I did I was thrilled but so depressed that there was no one to give me the encouragement for trying so hard. So today when I am on Facebook or Twitter I am put into a group of the unseen and unknown. I ask how can I be seen and known for my accomplishments? Do I have to have a IQ of 140+ to be accepted in the group?      One day I will prove to everyone that even though I may be slow at learning I can and should be in a group that can SEE and KNOW me. Being seen and known is a big part of ones's positive thinking of being accepted into some group or something.

Underestimated

Have you ever been underestimated? I have for years, because of lack of education etc. With my lack of education I have taught myself many things. I am improving as I grow. I have been homeless more than I can count. When I was homeless I wanted to find myself and what things homeless people endure. I have had people offer me jobs, which I jumped and took the offer. Some homeless are substance users or just gave up on life because the don't want to go on. I never stayed homeless for long. I have traveled many states, from Seattle, Washington to the southwest, back to the mid west and to the east. I traveled some on foot, some by driving. I enjoyed all my travels. I met all kinds of people. I put many miles on my feet. I carried a backpack filled with supplies and personal things. I have ridden with truck drivers back in the day. Now days with the new laws its different. They make it harder on truckers to pick up riders. My times on the road with truckers was to keep them awake. I gave them back massages; driving truck takes a toll on the body. The first truck I started trucking was at age 19. Most truckers will respect you as you respect them. I have never had any problems with them. I went to Montana and the snow storms can be fierce. Truckers can't pass due to bad weather, they are stuck on the roads for days sometimes. I have experienced that. Since I was a survivor of many things, I had no trouble coping. I learned to grow thick skin. I did the 'mind over matter' scenario. When driving myself I would stop when seeing other truckers broken down to see if I could help any. The reason for doing all this traveling was because when you are told you're stupid or will never learn anything and amount not to be anything I tend to believe them. I have changed my thinking since then. Life out there alone isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Areas for improvement

My Strengths 1) I keep my house clean. 2) I can bake and cook. 3) I take care of the people who I love. 4) I am determined 5) I don't give up and quit. 6) I work to improve myself 7) I love animals and people 8) I am very protective 9) I am self teaching 10) I am good at reading people 11) I care how people treat others 12) I am humble, loyal, honest, sincere, trustworthy, open minded My Areas for Improvement 1) I get frustrated when I don't do something 'perfectly' 2) I some times trust others before they've actually earned it 3) I some times don't share my feelings 4) I some times lets situations go too far before I act to end it Goals I Want to Accomplish 1) I want to act in film and on stage 2) I want to direct and produce my own monologues 3) I want to start my own business 4) I want to learn how to effectively help others overcome being bullied 5) I want to have my own TV series

My family

I was brought up thinking I was loved. If I was, my life wouldn't be such a mess. I would have friends. Instead I am alone in a dark lonely world. I had a lot to deal with through growing up. Helping with farm chores. I hated it. The cows would kick or lay on their milkers. All I could do is freak out and yell help. I was best in the house when it time to do dishes, clean house and cook and bake. I paid attention to details as a cleaner. One who you could say, the house was so clean you could eat off the floor. I cleaned daily if it needed it or not. I am obsessed with cleaning. I can cook with what you have in your freezer and pantry and make it a meal. I don't need a cookbook. I bake many things and wish one day to get my own shop, it would be a cook/bakery shop. You eat there and buy baked goods. I will have it set for anyone who is a senior, organization, business owner, have a discount for referring me to others. This is a far off idea for I need Karma, etc. I am a happy-go-lucky person if you ever see me in public I am always smiling. Why you may ask, because I have to hide the unhappiness I have inside. When going to school I tried to make friends. I was very unsuccessful until I bribed the boys to play football, baseball. At least I was included in a group and not left out. I am still trying to find a group of friends that will accept me for my lifestyle. Everyone needs a group of friends. A group of friends doesn't bully you or make fun of you for your lifestyle. Accept me for a friend or it won't work. I am not negative here. These are facts, feelings or opinions. Next blog coming soon!

Parent-Today vs Yesterday

To me, parents today are the same as my parents were when I was growing up. The upbringing hasn't changed any. Many parents don't tell their children they love them. Kids need to hear you parents say 'I love you'. Three little words that I never heard when growing up. I had to assume my parents loved me. If I had to guess those little words were never said to you, so why tell your kids right? Children of all ages need to hear those words. If you haven't said these words to your children ever start today. Let them know you love them enough to care how much they mean to you. I listen to parents today, there are parents that don't show any affection to their children. I never got enough affection from my parents. You parents are the role models of today's children. If you don't show affection and love, they won't show your grandchildren any love. I feel that if you take time to show affection and love to your whole family, families will stay together longer. If I was given even some love and affection by my parents I would know how to treat a friend, etc. Do you remember this song: Let's Get Together Artist: The Youngbloods The chorus: Come on people now Smile on your brother Everybody get together Try to love one another Right now We all need to all come together and forget the color of the skin. Stop the fighting and love one another. We show too much hostility to one another and it's crazy.

How to get to know me?

If you look at each one of us we are like onions. We want to get to know the real person. We need to pull back each layer. One at a time to see what each layer represents. Once you get to the middle layer you find the true person and what they really represent. To really know me, read my blog, see me as I pull back each layer for you. I am just like every human being. I have feelings too. I am a book that hasn't been read or looked at. By peeling back the layers you will know me. And that's what I'm doing; I'm peeling back the layers of this onion. I am not from another planet. You look at my outer layer and see what you want to see. There are a few people that got the nerve to go on America's Got Talent. These two people Simon rolled his eyes and saw the outer onion. Once he listened to them act he realized that he was wrong. The two I am talking about is Dorothy Williams and Susan Doyle. Dorothy was 90 and people saw her as old and what can she do to impress us. She fooled you all with her act. Susan Doyle is a little heavy set however she sang from her heart and also impressed you. I need the same chance as them. See to know me and look beyond the layers to a talented and gifted person.

Parents

My father was a paper mill worker, he would bring home boxes of paper products that were rejects. My mother was a house wife, however they both had to keep the farm going. We had about 48 milking cows. We didn't have a parlor, the cows had their own stall with a gate to be locked into. Parents would milk twice a day. My father had a third shift job and still was able to get the milking done. My mother helped with the farming also. W had many acres that needed to be planted and harvested. After a days work my father would go back to work at the paper mill. Farmers job isn't an easy job. I wouldn't make a good farmers wife. Both parents retired from farming back in approximately 1997.

My background

           When You are the third born it's a disliked number. In every family there is always one bad egg or apple in the family. I feel my upbringing caused me not to be able to have or make friends. (True friends) I had two older brothers and one younger sister. We were born three years apart from each other. We all went our separate ways. I am the only one who moved away from my home town. My whole family deserted me from any communication. This bad apple or egg must have been one that slipped out into my mother when they had play time.
             I am tired of having no friends (true friends). True friends are the ones who are there when you had a death in the family for support. Your wedding day, baby announcements, graduation, etc. Friends who are just friends really don't care, they pretend to care but have better things to do than enjoy your events that True friends share with you. Just friends don't really give support to you when a death in the family. I been alone all my life with no (true Friends). Do I have to bribe people to be friends with? Isn't there anyone who cares about others? Did God put self absorbing ungrateful people on this earth? There must be a handful of people who would be willing to get to know the real me. Be true friends I am looking for. I have been looking for 48 years and still looking. "Wow" what the F...